Mastering active listening to enhance your client relationships
Counselling Skills for Consultants (Part 2 of 3)
In this three-part series of The Skilled Consultant,
will highlight some counselling tools and techniques that can super-charge your client relationships. Jo has a CPCAB qualification in Counselling Skills and an MSc Genetic and Genomic Counselling. She is also the Marketing Director for Honeycomb Consulting Skills Training, so well-placed to translate skills from one world to the other.In Part 1 of this series, I explored the foundational counselling skills of empathy and unconditional positive regard. If you missed that one, you can catch up here.
This article covers five communication skills that are essential to developing an effective client relationship. These are basic-level counselling skills.
Although the positioning and terminology comes from the counselling world, there is nothing mystical about them. They are the basis of good communication - or more specifically good listening. As a consultant, this should be your starting point. If you are good at listening, then you develop understanding. And once you understand, you are able to help.
Let’s imagine you are starting a new project and meeting with your client for the first time. You’re keen to find out more about the problem they are facing, how they are viewing things, and where you will be able to help.
In this meeting you should be aiming for your client to do 80-90% of the talking. To achieve that, you have to get good at listening. Listening is not a passive activity. When you are listening well, it can actually be quite tiring because it demands a lot of concentration. If we think about the Trust Equation, you are investing in the intimacy part here1.
Sometimes in counselling we talk about peeling away the layers of the onion (in this metaphor, the onion is your client!). What you are first presented with is an outer layer that’s a shield to the external world. Your job is to peel away a few layers and start to understand what each one holds. This is how you will learn more and be best able to help them.
So, let’s get stuck in. Here are five things you should be actively doing in that meeting to enable your client to open up.
Adopt good body language
Consider these two men. Hopefully it’s clear that the guy on the left has better body language than the guy on the right. But why?
He’s not put a physical barrier (the table) between him and the client.
Neither his arms or legs are crossed across his body.
He is leaning slightly towards the client, not slightly away.
His facial expession is open and accepting.
All subtle but significant differences which help his client feel at ease and more able to open up. Subtly mirroring the body language of your client can also help to create a sense of rapport.
Body language has long been seen as a starting point for good connection, but the digital world has upset this narrative. If you are meeting a client virtually, the impact of body language becomes much less relevant. I’m not a big fan of counselling virtually because I feel constrained by the screen - it removes a tool I find useful for creating connection. But if you’ve got used to virtual meetings, perhaps the idea of an in-person fills you with uncertainty or dread?
Use minimal encouragers
These are ways to demonstrate to your client that you are listening, without interrupting their flow. Non-verbal minimal encouragers could be nodding your head in agreement, smiling encouragingly, raising an eyebrow in interest, or tilting your head slightly in empathy. Maintaining eye contact and good body language also demonstrates your interest and encourages your client to keep talking.
Verbal minimal encouragers are brief affirmations such as, “umm-hmmm”, “uh-huh”, or “okay”. Use them to demonstrate you are actively engaged in the conversation without halting their train of thought.
Paraphrasing and summarising
As you sit across from your client, it is easy to slip into playing a metaphorical tennis match with them. They speak about a challenge they are facing, you respond with a story about a similar one you’ve experienced to demonstrate credibility, they explain how theirs is a bit different, you talk about a model that could help with that to demonstrate expertise. Thwack - thwack - thwack. The ball goes back and forth.
But remember, you aren’t supposed to be taking up 50% of the space in this meeting. They don’t need you to play with them. They need you to be the ballgirl/ballboy. Scoop up that thought, acknowledge it, and roll it right back to them to play again. Invest in the intimacy part of the Trust Equation.
When you do a good job of paraphrasing or summarising what you have heard, you both demonstrate that you have been paying attention and leave space for your client to keep talking. It also provides an opportunity for you to confirm your understanding.
Try some of these sentence starters to set you off on the right track:
“What I heard you say is….”
“It sounds like you’re….”
“You’re describing a pattern where…”
“I’m understanding that….”
In your summary, use some of the words you’ve heard your client use and try to wrap it into a neat sentence or two. If you’re not sure you’ve got it right, finish by asking, “Is that accurate?”
Clarifying questions
“Is that accurate?” is a closed-ended clarifying question. Others may be open-ended. Either way, they are a valuable tool for you to ensure that you have fully understood a situation, experience, thought, or emotion. If you are feeling there are areas of ambiguity or some underlying factors that haven’t been surfaced, clarifying questions are there to help.
Here are a few examples you may want to add to your toolkit:
“Could you help me understand more about….?”
“What are your beliefs about…?”
“Could you walk me through the thought process that led to….?”
“Can you confirm if I’m understanding this correctly?”
Staying curious
Staying curious means being open to discovering the messy reality, not rushing to put a plausible story around something because it makes you feel more comfortable.
I have two favourite techniques for encouraging exploration and curiosity.
Silence
“Say more”
Using silence as a conscious tool can be uncomfortable for people at first. You might panic that in saying nothing the client will think you have nothing useful to say. Or it might just feel socially awkward. It does require a bit of courage and conviction, but it’s a real gem. Try it. When your client stops talking, just wait. Nearly always they will start again, and you’ll probably be a layer deeper on that onion.
If you need to say something, try, “Say more”. It’s a beautifully simple invitation for them to continue talking, and again, you will almost always get a layer deeper with this technique.
These tools and techniques can be summarised as active listening. Active listening requires that you really pay attention and that you stay with your client’s thread. Notice if your own narrative takes over in your head and pull yourself back to theirs.
Next week I’ll explore more advanced themes including self-disclosure, linking threads, challenge and immediacy, advanced empathy, and transference.
And finally, a reminder that these skills aren’t just for client relationships. You can start practicing today on anybody and everybody in your life, and experience the enhanced connection that active listening can bring.
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A reminder of the Trust Equation:
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