Super-charge your client relationships with empathy and unconditional positive regard
Counselling skills for Consultants (Part 1 of 3)
In this three-part series of The Skilled Consultant, will highlight some counselling tools and techniques that can super-charge your client relationships. Jo has a CPCAB qualification in Counselling Skills and an MSc Genetic and Genomic Counselling. She is also the Marketing Director for Honeycomb Consulting Skills Training, so well-placed to translate skills from one world to the other.
To what extent do you approach consulting as an academic exercise? It can be. Identify your client’s problem, conduct thorough research, undertake some complicated analysis and complex problem-solving, and deliver a killer presentation. Job done? Maybe…but I’d say a 6/10 at best.
If you want to do better, you have to start thinking about people. Understand the personal pressures your client is under, why the problem is important to them, and how it feels to be in their shoes. Think about their relationships, their values, and the impact of your recommendations on them as an individual. Build a relationship with them which is founded on trust.
Over the next two weeks we will explore many core and advanced communication skills which can support you in developing excellent client relationships. Focusing on these relationships will not only help you deliver better outcomes for your projects, but develop a top-notch reputation that will serve you throughout your career.
But before we get into those specifics, there are two foundational skills consultants should aim to master.
Empathy and Unconditional Positive Regard.
In fact, these are more than skills. They are better thought of as ‘states of being’ rather than something you ‘do’. You should aim to learn them, practice them, and channel them consciously when interacting with your clients.
What is empathy?
Empathy is being able to walk a mile a someone else’s shoes. Allowing yourself to experience the feelings they are feeling and see the world from their perspective.
It is important to distinguish empathy from sympathy, which is feeling compassion or pity for someone. Empathy involves a deeper emotional connection and understanding.
Imagine you come across someone who has fallen into a deep hole. Showing sympathy for that person would be shouting down to them, “Sorry you are in there, I feel bad for you from up here.” Showing empathy for them would be jumping down to sit next to them, and taking a moment to understand how it feels to be stuck there.
Empathy sometimes gets a bad rep. It can be associated with the idea of unwanted emotions, taking on an emotional state that isn’t yours, or somehow losing control of your own feelings. This fear could hold you back from jumping into the hole, particularly in a professional capacity when you may feel pressure to appear in control.
However, when you master empathy as a skill, you become able to separate your own life, thoughts, feelings, and emotions from those of the other person. You can jump down into the hole with them, but you stay aware that it’s not your hole and you are not stuck in it. You can choose to stay there as long as is helpful to develop understanding and connection. Both things that are key to a successful client relationship.
In my experience, there is no short-cut to developing this super-skill. It requires commitment, and iterative cycles of practice and self-reflection. The good news is, you are not limited to practicing on your clients. You can test and hone your empathy skills on anyone and everyone in your life. Next time you argue with your partner, or your friend is stressed, or your work colleague seems quiet, take the opportunity to be curious and try to understand why. How well are you able to cast aside your own perspective to understand how it feels to be them? And how effectively can you separate their feelings from your own?
What is Unconditional Positive Regard?
Unconditional Positive Regard (UPR) is a counselling concept, attributed to Carl Rogers1. It is commonly accepted as one of the necessary conditions for an effective therapeutic relationship. As a counsellor, it is something I would always aim to demonstrate.
UPR means holding no judgements of the other person, or of their actions and behaviours. It is a state of complete acceptance and respect. It doesn’t require you to like or agree with the other person, but to set aside your own perspective in order to embrace theirs.
“One of the most satisfying experiences I know is just fully to appreciate an individual in the same way I appreciate a sunset. When I look at a sunset … I don’t find myself saying, “Soften the orange a little on the right hand corner, and put a bit more purple in the cloud color” … I don’t try to control a sunset. I watch it with awe as it unfolds. It is this receptive, open attitude which is necessary to truly perceive something as it is.” Carl Rogers
Demonstrating non-judgemental acceptance creates an environment which is safe. If people feel safe with you, they are more able to be vulnerable and honest. This in turn fosters a deeper connection and enables you to better understand and support them.
I could argue that consultants should focus on demonstrating UPR in their client relationships even more than counsellors. When an individual walks into a therapy room, they are expecting acceptance and an opportunity to open up. When an individual first meets with a consultant, their emotional state will be very different.
They may be feeling defensive or protective of their business. They may be feeling some shame or inadequacy that the consultant is needed at all. They may be feeling intimidated or that they need to impress. None of this is helpful for developing an effective relationship. If a client feels the slightest hint of judgement from you, they are going to throw up barriers which you may never break down.
So, be very cautious with, “A bit of advice….” if they haven’t asked for it - and even if they have. It can be useful to remind yourself that your perspective can only be subjective.
(No, your extensive Excel spreadsheet doesn’t really change that - sometimes the data doesn’t tell the whole story).
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The concept of UPR was initially developed by Stanley Standal in 1954, but expanded and popularised by Carl Rogers in 1956.
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